I have grown desperate to write. Something. Yesterday, I came to library with the sole purpose of reading and writing. But I couldnt read beyond pages and didnt write a single word. My mind stopped functioning. I tried hard to think of a topic to write something about. But I couldnt come up with one. So, today I decided not to think of any particular topic to write about. I just want my pen to keep moving and the ink flowing. So, I am writing down everything that is going on in my mind - any thought or ideas. So, sometimes I might write two sentences that are totally irrelevant to each other. This part of my writing doesnt speak of any particular idea or thought. It is just a photocopy of whatever is going on in my mind now. I might lose track of what I was thinking when I try to articulate sentences in a meaningful way. So, this writing might as well end up being a meaningless piece of literature. The only gaps I take in between are when I give rest to my hands. I write and then type. Speed with which I type and I think dont match. So, most of the times I end up losing my thoughts if I type. So, I prefer writing. Later, when I am at leisure I might type it and post it somewhere.
Posting something reminds me of my blog and the pending articles I was supposed to write. If I remember correctly, there are three articles pending - one on a trek with GHAC, another on a cycling trip with CTC and another on my trip to tirupati.
I give a break to my hands from writing and look at my locket. Is it a Yin-Yan symbol made of stone bought at Mahabalipuram. Many thoughts are flowing into my mind and many questions to ponder over.
Yin-Yan is a symbol of duality which says opposites dont oppose but compliment eachother. It also says everything has something quite opposite to its character in it. Hence you see a dark spot in white part of the symbol and a white dot in the dark part of symbol.
So, even if are a good person, you have a dark side inside you - sometimes hidden from others - which you are afraid to reveal to the world. It (dark spot) is well hidden from all sides by the white( your virtue). That dark spot can be anything - your past, your obsession with something. There is a very less chance that others knew about this dark spot of yours. And you are always afraid that people might come to know about it - especially if it is your past, which you cannot change. You do not want to reveal it to the world, but you might feel like telling about it to your dear ones. Because, one day, they might know your past and leave you. But will they forgive you for your past? What if your past is unforgiveable? You can easily forgive a crime, but not a sin. Everytime you think of your dark past, you hate yourself. You couldnt forgive yourself. You suffer agony for committing a sin - a sin which you cannot reveal to anyone, not even to your dear ones - for you are afraid of losing them. The only person who can forgive you is the person who has the same past and thinks about it the same way. Not even you can forgive yourself. Past is not just a story - a haunting reality that gives you nightmares.
What is the relation between sex and love? Regarding this topic I am totally disinclined towards taking any lectures from scriptures which have been manipulated since centuries. What are the necessary traits of a person who thinks he or she can have sex only with the person whom they love? This is a person who, even trying his or her best , cannot proceed to have sex with a person whom they dont love.
What are the necessary traits of a person who says that you can have sex with whomever you like but you will always love only one person in life? What makes him or her detach sex from love? Or why is there a relation between sex and love?
Indra was cursed for having sex with the wife of a rishi and he doesnt even love her. We can strike him off from the discussion by tagging him as a sex maniac. But doesnt sex maniacs fall in love? How do you define a person who says " I love only you and I would sacrifice my life for you, but I will not stop having sex with others" ?
And when you say that your partner cannot have sex with anyone else other than you, are you not putting restrictions on their freedom?
What is the role of marriage in sex and love? What is a marriage? For me, its nothing but an approval from the society to have sex with the person whom you marry. Why do we need society's permission to live with a partner? All you need is your partner's acceptance. And why do I need society's permission if I dont want to live with my partner anymore? As said in a song " marzi se jeene ki bhi mein kya tum sab ko arzi du. Matlab ki tum sabka mujh pe mujh se bhi zyada haq hai "
Got a phone call. Lost track of all my thoughts.
You can never know what a person can do and what a person cant. You judge a person's capability by his or her previous actions you know of. But how can you take into consideration about his or her actions which you are not aware of? How reliable is your judgement which is based on facts you know but doesnt take into consideration the facts you have never heard of? To what extext can you go to help someone and to what extent can you go to forgive someone?
The fan is not working. I am sweating and I am hungry. But I am desperate to write.
I have a story in mind. I wanted to write a book on it. But then another story came into my mind. I wanted to write a movie script on it. But I couldnt begin neither of them. I am ashamed of my lack of dedication. Hence this desperation to write something - eventhough meaningless.
Theme of the book I wanted to write is " The only entity that is worth fighting for and dying for is a woman" Because eveything else can be made by man. Woman is what a man can desire for but cannot create it. Many men in history realised this. Hence many battles fought and fortunes lost. They knew kingdoms can be won again and wealth can be earned. But there can never be a second woman who can make your heartbeat skip. If you are accusing me of objectifying woman, wait till I finish the book.
